Squelch

“You talk down to me.” The words stun me, especially since they are delivered by a cherished friend and with little visible emotion. The blow is emotionally similar to a quick hard jab to my chin physically. I have “the wind knocked out of me” and am reeling as I stagger emotionally with this revelation. The conversation continues, but “I am down for the count”.






It’d been a tough week. Much of my investments of time and efforts had not been fruitful. In fact, I had little to show for them other than some notable setbacks and a few scant “mile-pebbles”. Now, on top of all that, it appears that I have damaged my relationship with my friend. It’s a silent but deadly coupe de grace to my battered psyche. I don’t respond to the comment and listen in stunned silence as he continues with seemingly normal conversation. How can this be?






This phrase “You talk down to me” won’t leave my troubled thoughts. Once we’re in the privacy of our car driving home, I query my wife; “Do I talk down to folks?” Her response is a quick “You don’t.” I can’t help wondering if my consistently loyal mate of over forty-one-years is truly impartial in her assessment. The five simple words continue to drill into me and trump any truly peaceful slumber throughout the night.






Finally, it is a civilized time to make phone calls to normal people. I can wait no longer and call my friend. No answer, and I just leave a “please call me” even though I will be in physical therapy with no cell phone access. Sure enough, when I retrieve my cell phone after my session, there is a “missed call” from my friend. We are soon connected and I blurt out my “talk down to you” query. He seems taken aback and extremely puzzled by my question. Finally, after a lot of thought he responds, “Oh, I said you don’t talk down to me. That’s why I value our conversations.” Relief floods my psyche as that nail is removed and I am vindicated with no feared damage done.






This experience is not one I’ve “gotten over.” After getting hearing aids about six months ago, I thought my days of missing words (and sentences) were over. It is amazing how missing one seemingly insignificant word impacted me. It wasn’t just the word. My sensitivity for various reasons is heightened to a level that seems to make me more prone to being vulnerable and being impacted by these kinds of omissions and situations.






I am reminded of my old Ham Radio days and especially of one rheostat control on my radio receiver. It was called the “squelch control” and it worked in conjunction with the volume control. It was a continuing juggling act to balance the volume which controlled loudness with the squelch which controlled sensitivity to the distant signals. The juggling involved having the volume up loud enough to hear distant signal skipped off the atmosphere. That had to be balanced with the squelch sensitivity turned down enough to limit the hissing and squealing of static that came with those barely audible distant signals. I remember vividly some of the loud popping and squealing that unexpectedly flooded my earphones as I strained to hear a distant signal. It seemed that I never got those two controls balanced right to hear what I wanted to hear and still not be vulnerable to unexpected static bursts from the distant polar Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) atmospheric electrical storms.






I am learning that to pursue what drives me personally, my personal squelch sensitivity control needs to be at a level that would make some folks justifiably uncomfortable. There isn’t a predefined acceptable level that can be set and forgotten. I must resign myself to the consequences of the level where I choose to adjust and readjust my “squelch” sensitivity. If I am going to keep my squelch set at a level where I can hear people’s often barely perceptible heart cries, I must accept what goes with it. I am susceptible to some potentially unnerving background static and even hurt, bordering on pain, which comes with having my sensitivity turned up. It’s well worth it to catch those faint signals and “it goes with the territory.”